• Remember for those who are approaching their first Christmas with out their baby - This Christmas will be very different. Be gentle and caring of yourself, go with your feelings, express what you need to express, go gently.
  
• Siblings may also withdraw through sadness of their sister or brother not being with them, or if they are too young to understand they will be sad because they sense you are. Just give them lots of hugs and reassurance and talk about your baby as he or she is there with you in spirit.
  
• Some ideas and suggestions that may be helpful in coping with the holiday season.
  
• Sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season and decide what each family member can handle comfortably
  
• There is not right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family tradition, while others may choose to change and do things differently.
  
• Once you have made the decision on the role you and your family will play during the holidays, LET RELATIVES KNOW. They won't know unless you tell them.
  
• Don't take on too many responsibilities. Find your way a little at a time.
  
• Do something for someone else. Such as volunteer work or visit the lonely. Ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. Provide help for a needy family.
  
• Don't set your expectations too high. If you wish things to be the same you are going to be disappointed.
  
• Realize that it isn't going to be easy. Just do the best you can.
  
• If you feel like crying, go ahead. It will not ruin the day for other family members, but it will provide them with the same freedom.
  
• Set limitations. Do the things that are very special and important to you.
  
• Emotionally, physically and psychologically, it is draining. You need every bit of strength. Try to get enough rest.
  
• Donate a gift or money in your child's name.
  
• Baking and cleaning the house can get all out of proportion. If these chores are enjoyable go ahead, but not to the point that it is tiring.
  
• Let your children or other family members or friends help with the decorating of the tree and house. If you choose not to have a tree this year perhaps you could make a centerpiece from the lower branches of a tree. Get a ceramic tree, or a small tabletop tree.
  
• If shopping seems to be too much, have your spouse, relatives or a close friend help you.
  
• If you are accustomed to having Christmas dinner at your house, change and go to a relatives, or change the time or day.
  
• Try attending Christmas services at a different time or different church.
  
• What you choose to do the first year you don't necessarily have to do the next.
  
• Keep in mind the feelings of your children or other family members and try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.
  
• Accept the help of other people in your life. They want to help and only can if you let them.
  
• Don't forget: Anticipation of any holiday is so much worse than the actual holiday.
  
• Although you and your loved one will be apart. May the spirit of Christmas comfort your heart. And may its message of peace with you each day. To help and guide you along life's way.
  

By long tradition the Christmas season is the best of times: excitement, reunion, sharing and gratitude. To the people struggling with grief, Christmas can be the worst of times, casting a harsh spotlight on pain and loss. The flood of memories triggered by the season's familiar sights and sounds can create an overwhelming yearning for the return of the absent loved ones.

Bereaved parents struggle to balance their personal grief and loneliness against the pressures of 'joyful' social obligation. They feel they must at least appear to share the merriment of their family, friends, co-workers and neighbors. The increased frequency of social contact during the season, and the general assumption of 'a spirit of goodwill' only accentuates their pain! If anyone bothered to ask, bereaved parents would likely say that they have an emotional 'wish list' that would be especially helpful in getting through this most stressful season.

Instead bereaved parents generally experience quite opposite reactions, and their grief is accordingly complicated. The anticipated dread of the Christmas season is largely because most grieving people believe they will probably be hurt again in direct proportion the the 'high spirits' of those around them.

Christmas is certainly a time when there is and emphasis on nostalgia. One expects a feeling of warmth and richness. All of the media emphasize these qualities and it often appears as if everyone else in the world has joy and completeness. No wonder, then, that the pain experience by the bereaved is intensified, and the yearning for absent loved ones may reach agonizing proportion.

There are two major question that are commonly asked:

Q:     Can anything be done during the Christmas season to ease my pain and sense of loss?

A: Probably not. However, some Christmas seasons will definitely be easier for you than others. The first season is not always the hardest, although this is often the assumption. There is a general trend for thins to become more tolerable over time, but it is not uncommon to hear of difficulties with the second, third or even subsequent years following the death of a loved one.

Q: What specific things can be done to make the Christmas season easier?

A: Plan ahead! Those people who are able to plan their events as much as possible rather than letting things 'just happen', tend to do relatively well. It's getting caught off-guard that may add to the sense of devastation.

There are two simple general guidelines, which may help in coping effectively:

1. Do what feels right to you.
2. As you become aware of your needs, tell family members and friends about them.

Don't be afraid to try changing traditional routines. Perhaps you have always had a Christmas feast. This year you may decide to try a much simpler dinner, and you may want to have it at an altogether different time. You may want to dine out instead of eating at home.

Gift opening can be a traumatic time too. If your custom has been to open gifts on Christmas morning, consider making a deliberate decision to change that to Christmas Eve, or vice-versa.

Is it necessary to put up and decorate a tree in order to make the holiday 'official'? Not at all. Do what feels right for you and your family. If you would like a tree, but lack the energy to decorate it, there are probably others near you who would be delighted to be able to help you in that way. Ask.

Perhaps you could choose an ornament for your special baby/babies to hand on the tree. If you have other children, they would like to do. Children in some families make a special star for their dead baby brother or sister and every year they gently place them on the tree before all the other ornaments, as their way of remembering.

If you choose not to have a tree, perhaps you could have a table centerpiece. You may like to burn a candle for your baby/babies. You could buy a white 24-hour candle and light it on Christmas morning.

Sometimes bereaved parents don't realize how frustrated their families and friends may be. The caregivers often stand by helplessly, wringing their hands, loving and caring, but not knowing what to do that is genuinely helpful. If they could wrap gifts, bake, address cards, shop, chauffeur, decorate, even clean they would feel better. Give them a chance, and it's likely everybody will benefit.

Then there is the inevitable invitation for social events that can make you feel very uneasy during the Christmas period. Most people will be understanding if the acceptance is made conditional on emotions a the time of the event.

If this is the first Christmas following the death of your baby/babies, try to keep in mind that it will be far from perfect, but it can be a learning experience where you will discover the kinds of activities, events and situations which will work best for you. For most people the anticipation is worse that the event. Share with others around you what is helpful and what is note. Be kind to yourself, but remember to be kind to others, too.