Pregnant
Again?
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The decision on whether to become pregnant again is
such a personal one to make. You
will hear advice ranging from “wait a few months” to “wait a whole
year” to “get pregnant right away”, but really you and your spouse
are the only ones who can really make that decision.
Whether you lost your child early in the pregnancy or all the way
past the due date, being pregnant again is a scary prospect. One important thing to consider when thinking about
when to try again is the date you conceive.
If you lost your baby in January and get pregnant again in April,
the new baby will be due in January.
This is one thing we didn’t consider when trying again and the
subsequent baby’s due date was only 2 days before the birthday of the
baby we lost. It’s
definitely something to consider if you have the ability to plan it out.
I can tell you that for us it was better to have a baby to hold as
our first child’s birthday passed by – we took great comfort in the
fact that we had her brother to hold and love and our arms were not quite
so empty as her first birthday passed.
But on the other side of the coin, I have met several parents who
wouldn’t have even considered having another baby anywhere near the
birthday – they felt like they needed the time alone as parents to
remember their child and grieve for them alone without the distraction of
a new baby in the house. You
should take the time to think this through carefully and be sure that both
you and your spouse are in agreement with this important decision.
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Once you have made the decision to become pregnant again and you conceive a subsequent child, your whole world changes again. For us, our first pregnancy was filled with joy and laughter and predictions of what the baby would look like. As soon as we found out we were having a girl, we were always out buying baby girl things – pretty dresses and shoes – anything that was cute & said “Daddy’s Girl” or “Mommy’s Angel” – that sort of thing. The first subsequent pregnancy started off so incredibly differently. As soon as that stick turned colors, my heart was filled with dread and anticipation instead of joy and hope. I felt like every day we made it through was just another one to tack on – another scary step along a pathway we had taken with such blind faith before. I didn’t even consider buying anything for the baby until around 30 weeks and definitely steered clear of anything with the word “angel” on it. We prodded the poor child every time he hadn’t moved in a while and I made sure to eat sugar or drink orange juice to keep him active in there. I woke up nightly for kicks and reassurances that everything was okay in there – if only for that moment in time. I had a very hard time bonding with my second child as I was afraid to open my heart and love him fully. I had loved my first child with all my heart and soul, and she had left me and torn my heart to shreds. I didn’t want to go through that again, so I really did have a hard time opening up and loving that baby. I guess around 30 weeks or so I finally told myself that I had to bond with this baby if only a little. I had been through a lot of group counseling and realized that no matter what happened to this child, I wanted him to know he was loved. How could I not love him every bit as much as I had her? And so my heart opened up a bit more – but it was still pretty guarded and pretty scary. |
A few suggestions that I found helpful: Join a support group. I don’t know what I would have done if I had had to go through that subsequent pregnancy all alone. Our local hospital had a support group for newly bereaved parents as well as a breakout group afterwards for parents who were pregnant again. Those women were a lifeline to me and I made some of the best friends of my life. We were all scared and we all knew what it felt like to lose a child, and that was really wonderful. You could say absolutely anything in there and no one condemned you for how you were feeling. A support group was really a wonderful thing for me. Find online support. There are many forums online for pregnant again after a loss groups. This is a wonderful place to really speak your mind and talk to other people who had been through a loss and knew what you were going through. Rent or buy a heart Doppler.
I bought a Doppler from a used medical equipment company.
This was a wonderful way to check and be sure that the baby’s
heart was beating. It isn’t
a choice for everyone, but for me it was really wonderful.
The one rental place I have heard good things about is at http://www.babybeat.com. Read a book. There is a book that helped me through subsequent pregnancies titled “Pregnancy After a Loss” by Carol Cirulli Lanham. The author is a journalist who has been through a full-term stillbirth and two successful subsequent pregnancies. She writes the book from the perspective of a mom who has lost and really states everything she says right from her heart. There is a webpage for the book at http://www.pregnancyafteraloss.com if you would like more information on that. Kick counts. This is something I heard about after the fact and wish I had known when I carried Brittany. The concept is amazingly simple. Eat a meal and lay on your side. The baby should kick 10 times in an hour. This is usually way faster – maybe 10 kicks in 5 or 10 minutes – but still the hour gives you a frame of reference for when you should worry. Good foods to try for kicks are things that are high in sugar – orange juice really works well to get that baby moving but if you need a good excuse for chocolate, there you go! Hospital checks.
Our hospital was great about checking the baby for me if I got
really scared. Once with a
subsequent pregnancy, I hadn’t felt any movement in a couple of hours
and really got worried. I did
a kick count and nothing happened. So
we rushed into the hospital and they hooked me up to a monitor and watched
as the baby woke up and started moving around.
It was a scary couple of hours for us but so reassuring to be able
to go in and get on a monitor and be able to be sure that everything was
well. There was no charge and
I’m sure they understood why we were a bit scared – so don’t be
afraid to ask for extra reassurance if you need it.
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Really there are no guarantees with a subsequent pregnancy, and I think that makes it so much scarier for everyone involved. The best thing you can do is to be informed of what to look for and to make sure you do the kinds of things you are comfortable doing. If there is anything that you did in your first pregnancy that you don’t feel comfortable doing with a subsequent pregnancy, don’t worry about what anyone thinks. I had a friend who wouldn’t eat deli meat or drink Dr. Pepper as she had done this with a loss and didn’t want to do it again. This was a superstition that she knew was silly but it made her feel better not to do those things and there was no harm in her staying away from those things and it made her feel better and that worked for her. You will find that this next pregnancy is tense and anxious enough without doing things that make you uncomfortable, so my advice is do what feels right to you and don’t worry about everything else. Try to bond with the new baby as he or she deserves the love in your heart. Make sure and name your child as every child deserves a name – no matter what the outcome of pregnancy. And find support for yourself to talk about your feelings – whether it’s in a group or with an individual who you feel comfortable sharing with – it’s important that you talk to somebody if you feel the need. |
We wish you the best in this next pregnancy and please know that TX Moms of Tiny Angels will be praying for you and behind you all the way. If there is ever anything any of us can do for you, all you have to do is ask. We have all been through subsequent pregnancies. A few of us have had a loss after a loss. We know what it feels like to grieve and feel like you are all alone out there. We know what it feels like to go to the mall or out in public and everyone you see is pregnant again or snuggling a newborn. It can be a very hurtful thing, but please know that if you need a friend, all you have to do is ask. I hope this has helped you in some way – we don’t profess to have all the answers or know everything, but we do know how it feels to lose a child and we hope we can help you through the next pregnancy if you feel comfortable asking for it. TX Moms of Tiny Angels Written by: Jenny Coffey
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