Suggestions for Friends and Relatives

  

 

There is much you can do to help!

 

Bereavement can be a “life threatening” condition, and your support can make a vital difference in the grievers eventual recovery.  You may feel uncomfortable and awkward.  These feelings are normal - don’t let them keep you away.  In fact the simple communication of caring is probably the most important and helpful thing that anyone can do.   Some examples of how to communicate are:

 

  1. GET IN TOUCH - Telephone, speak either to the parents, or someone close and ask when a good time is for you to visit or if you can help. It’s never too late to express your concern.

 

  1. SAY LITTLE ON AN EARLY VISIT – The first couple of days, just offer a brief embrace, the press of your hand, or a few words of affection and feeling.  That is all that is needed.

 

  1. AVOID CLICHES AND EASY ANSWERS  - “He’s out of pain”, and “Aren’t you lucky that…”, are not likely to help.  A simple “I’m sorry” is better.  In general, do not attempt to minimize the loss. 

 

  1. BE YOURSELF - Show you own natural concern and sorrow in your own way and in your own words.

 

  1. KEEP IN TOUCH – Be available. Be there. Your presence might be needed from the beginning. 

 

  1. ATTEND TO PRACTICAL MATTERS – Offer to answer the phone, usher callers, prepare meals, clean house, or care for other children.

 

  1. ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO VISIT – Help schedule other visitors so that they are not all there at once, and so that there is someone around to help comfort.

 

  1. ACCEPT SILENCE – If the parents don’t feel like talking, don’t force a conversation.  Silence is better that aimless chatter.  Let the parents lead.

 

  1. BE A GOOD LISTENER – when suffering spills over words, you can do the one thing the parents need above all – you can listen.  Accept their feelings.  Do not change the subject.  Be as understanding as you can be.

 

  1.  DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TELL THEM HOW TO FEEL – You can ask, but you cannot know, except what they tell you.  Everyone, bereaved or not, resents any attempts to dictate their feelings. 

 

  1. DO NOT PROBE FOR DETAILS – The parents will offer information when they are ready.

 

  1. COMFORT THE CHILDREN – Children grieve the loss of their siblings also.

 

  1. ALLOW THE “WORKING THROUGH” OF GRIEF”