GRIEF AND STAGES OF GRIEF

Information compiled by TX Moms of Tiny Angels

 “A wife who loses a husband is called a widow,
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses his parents is called an orphan,

Yet there is no word for a parent who loses a child,

That’s how awful the loss is.”

They rate death of a child as the absolute worst thing that can ever happen to you in your life - did you know that?  After that is death of a spouse, then parents/siblings and so on - but a child is the number one most catastrophic thing that can happen to you.  You typically live in shock and denial for 90 days - that's three months before you even begin to get out of shock & denial.  Then anger can last up to six months, bargaining mixes in there - depression can last for a couple of years and it takes you 2 1/2 to 3 years to truly accept the fact that this has happened to you. You will never "get over" the death of your child - that's not possible.  But in time you come to accept and acknowledge the fact that it happened to you.  It will be four years for us in May, so I think this was pretty much on target as far as my grief went.  My husband was in and out of grief much faster than this - at least as far as I could tell.  He grieved very hard when we lost her and cried with me for a couple of weeks, but then he went back to work and it seemed like that helped him cope better.  I work at home, so I was stuck here - surrounded by her things.  I have heard it said that you must admit it 200 times before it really hits you as a fact and you accept that it happened to you.  I think that's true.  I know I cried every time I admitted it in the beginning & now I can say it pretty matter of fact.  It still hurts, but not as bad - the rawness has gone away after almost four years - hopefully that will give you some hope. 

Grief, with its many ups and downs, lasts for longer than society in general recognizes. Be patient with yourself. 

Each person grieves differently and at a different pace.

Crying is a normal and healthy expression and releases built-up tension. Cry freely.

Physical reactions may include loss of appetite, overeating and sleeplessness. You may have no energy and not be able to concentrate.

Friends and family may feel uncomfortable around you. They want to help you but they don’t know how. Talk about your loss so they know that it is appropriate.

When possible, put off major decisions for at least a year (changing locations, jobs, etc).

Avoid making hasty decisions about your baby’s belongings. Do not allow others to take over or rush you to make decisions. You can do it a little at a time or whenever you feel ready.

Guilt (real or imagined) is normal. It surfaces in thoughts and feelings of “if only.” Learn to express and share these feelings and learn how to forgive yourself.

Anger is a common reaction to loss. Anger like guilt needs expression and sharing in a healthy and acceptable manner.

Children are often forgotten grievers within the family. They experience many of the same emotions you do. So share your thoughts and tears with them. They need to feel loved and be included.

Holidays and anniversaries of birth and death can be stressful times. Consider the feelings of the immediate family when planning on how to spend the day. Allow time for your own emotional needs.

It helps to become involved with a group of others having similar experiences. Sharing eases loneliness and promotes the expression of your grief in an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding.

Don’t be surprised if in the following weeks, friends that were close before stop coming around as often. Sometimes they don’t know what to say or how to handle the situation.

Grief is like a roller coaster - the same love and feelings you have invested in your child are the same ones that will bring you pain.  Whether you were 6 weeks pregnant or your baby was 3 months old, you have something to grieve. Your grief may last longer than you expect. Fathers are likely to feel left out altogether. People will ask, “How is you wife?” or “Is she holding up?” Understanding grief and knowing what to expect will help you recover. Remember, there is no magic button to push to stop the emotional roller coaster, but you will reach solid ground again.

The Stages of Grief – From the writings of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

SHOCK AND DENIAL – The feeling of shock and confusion, refusal to believe you’ve lost your baby. You may still feel pregnant.

ANGER – You may have intense anger at yourself, your mate and the doctor, or of the whole world. “Why has my baby died? Why does that family have four children and I can’t keep my baby”. Issues of faith are also very common.

BARGAINING – This is the stage where you might try to convince God to play “Let’s make a deal”, offering your life in exchange for your child, or promising to be a better person to stop the labor pains.

DEPRESSION – When the reality sets in so does depression. The symptoms you might experience are: aching arms, phantom kicks or cries, nightmares, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, lack of sex drive, and fantasies about your baby.

ACCEPTANCE – Yes, you will eventually “accept” this loss, but you won’t forget or forsake. This is the hardest part of recovery. It will take time and patience. You will feel the other stages off and on during this time. Grieving is not a straight or easy line. Allow yourself and your partner TIME to grieve for your baby. You determine the length of time this takes.

These stages can sometimes blend together, so don’t expect to neatly experience each stage in order. You won’t go through each one and be “over” it. It’s perfectly natural to feel one stage at a time or all five at once.

Symptoms of Grief

When a baby dies, normal symptoms of grief are varied and parental reactions and intensity of feelings may differ. Some typical reactions may include the following:

• Crying, loneliness and/or a feeling of isolation.
• A need to talk about the death and details of what happened.
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or helplessness.
• Anger, guilt and/or blame.
• Inability to concentrate, comprehend, and/or remember.
• Loss of goals or aims in life.
• Aching arms, phantom crying, and/or frequent sighing.

Anger and guilt are common reactions and usually accompany grief. Try to share and expressed these feelings as a way of releasing them, eventually forgiving yourself and others.